#3 Hermeneutic Labour

TRIGGER WARNING - Feminism

The Wheel of Emotions

This edition of Brain Trinkets is regarding a concept called hermeneutic labour, something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I first came across the term while in my previous relationship. I was dating a man and I was in over my head when it came to trying to navigate our relationship and work things out, so I wanted to suggest couples counselling. I was at a loss as to how to bring it up so I wouldn’t be shut down and also have the greatest chance of getting my needs met. In the midst of consulting with female friends and trying to figure out how to approach this issue, my favourite feminist friend Jess first introduced me to the term “hermeneutic labour,” and in a nutshell it’s basically the emotional labour of performing the emotional labour, the mental work behind it all.

This concept was a revelation to me, as it’s something I’ve been doing in my romantic relationships my whole adult life.

In her 2023 seminal work "Hermeneutic Labor: The Gendered Burden of Interpretation in Intimate Relationships Between Women and Men," philosophy professor and feminist scholar Ellie Anderson defines hermeneutic labour as:

“[…] the burdensome activity of: understanding and coherently expressing one's own feelings, desires, intentions, and motivations; discerning those of others; and inventing solutions for relational issues arising from interpersonal tensions.”

and states that

“hermeneutic labor disproportionately falls on women's shoulders in heteropatriarchal societies, especially in intimate relationships between women and men.”

In a lot of heterosexual relationships, there is a gendered demand/withdraw pattern, where women will make a request for something, and are often met with withdrawal from their male partner, which in turn causes a lot of angst and distress for the woman, leaving her feeling unheard and neglected and problems left unresolved. In our society, men are groomed to fear and shun vulnerability, so of course when a woman makes a request that calls for a show of vulnerability or closeness, men feel too exposed, and withdraw to “safety.” The threat of this demand/withdraw dynamic requires the woman to be extremely careful and perform a high level of behind-the-scenes labour in her approach to navigating such conflicts.

Hermeneutic labour in practice involves identifying and interpreting one’s own feelings about an issue in the relationship, deciphering the emotions, needs, and intentions of others (often when they are not explicitly stated or when there are mixed signals), attempting to intuit how the other person might feel and react about said issue, anticipating disagreements about the issue and how to combat them, crafting the perfect way to communicate the issue, thinking of the right time to bring up the issue, and developing strategies to address and resolve conflicts or misunderstandings that arise from the differences in emotional expression, needs, and communication styles between individuals. Women not only have to manage their own emotions, but those of their male partner too. It’s a delicate juggling act that takes a huge amount of time and energy. Often, brainstorming between the woman and her female friends, or with a therapist, about how to approach the matter will also be involved.

Women performing hermeneutic labour

I have spent many an hour crafting the perfectly worded text or rehearsing exactly the right thing to say, taking painstaking care to use the most benign, nonviolent language, ensuring I am as emotionally regulated as possible, at times suppressing my own emotional needs, offering care, appreciation, and understanding of my partner so as to make them feel validated before I may ask for my needs to be met, all in the name of ensuring that the communication won’t cause my partner to withdraw.

Another component of this work is that it’s done silently and invisibly behind the scenes. I’d wager most men have no idea that women are having these little secret conferences with their gal pals, or typing and editing the perfect message in the notes section of their phones about how she wants him to initiate saying “I love you” more.

And men say women are needy! Lol jks. But it can certainly feel like walking on eggshells.

What it can feel like doing hermeneutic labour

Before I am accused of being a raging man-hater, I will say I don’t hate men (OK maybe just a little, as a treat hehe), but I DO hate the patriarchy. I think I may be the first person ever in the WORLD to notice and say this but - wait for it - the patriarchy hurts men as much as it hurts women.

It hurts men in the way that men are raised to conform to traditional masculine norms that emphasise toughness, stoicism, and logic and that discourage the expression of vulnerable, more “feminine” emotions. The human body is a finely tuned instrument and all emotions are the body’s important messengers, even ones that are deemed “undesirable.” When we are taught to ignore and repress these messengers, we grow up to experience a lot of internal confusion, straying away from our authentic Self, and being unable to have healthy and rich interpersonal relationships, which of course over time leads to depression and anxiety. I know there are a lot of inherently good, kind, sensitive men who have been raised this way and experience isolation and suffering owing to their inability to access, identify and express their emotions, even though they wish for that ability. The phenomenon of men being unable to identify their emotions is called Male Normative Alexithymia. Yep, it’s so common there’s even a term for it.

Under the patriarchy, emotional work is viewed as “women’s work,” so it’s widely accepted and reinforced that men are unable to interpret and express their emotions and are therefore absolved of emotional responsibilities in intimate relationships. This means that women are the ones who have to do the heavy lifting, this exhausting unpaid labour, to bridge the gap that this deficit creates. The brunt of the work falls to female partners to coax men along with these skills, and perform the hermeneutic labour to problem-solve in their relationships. This is how hermeneutic labour is deeply intertwined with patriarchal norms.

If you are a heterosexual man and NOT actively doing something about taking responsibility to work on your emotional literacy, such as going to therapy, trying hard to opt for something different by practicing open communication and vulnerability, talking about it with your male friends, doing your due diligence to learn and understand your own needs and emotions, etc., I would be so bold as to suggest that that lack of action is an act of misogyny, in the way that it’s contributing to upholding patriarchal values and causing psychic harm and suffering to women you love. It’s hard, but women have to do this hard stuff every single day, to their own personal detriment. By maintaining the status quo and not doing the labour, you are benefiting from the patriarchy by making life easier for yourself (in the short term) and leaning on the women around you to do it for you.

Obviously, therapy can be hard to access for some people, but if you want to be a good feminist ally and work on this kind of thing, it’s not even essential to go to therapy. There are books, podcasts, GOOGLE…so many resources available! There has been many a time where I’ve been uncertain about how to approach a relational issue and I’ve literally Googled things like “how do I ask for my needs to be met in a relationship,” and there’s plenty of good advice out there from couples counsellors and mental health professionals who’ve written articles about it. You don’t even have to pay a therapist $200 an hour for that shit.

But because you may not have been given the tools to do these things, it DOES take practice, and it’s worth trying even if it’s not perfect to start with.

Oop, there’s that pesky wheel again! 😂

The other day, I read this article about the “Wheel of Emotions,” which talks about developing your EQ for greater understanding of yourself. If you were raised as a man and you struggle with your ability to understand and communicate your emotions and needs, I highly encourage you to give it a read, and maybe pass it onto any male friends who may find it helpful. Just fucking go and send it to every man in your address book lol. But seriously, developing your own emotional literacy is a good step in the right direction when it comes to deepening your relationships, reducing your depression, anxiety and isolation, and perhaps taking a bit of the burden off the women in your lives.

I will accept that I personally have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable men owing to what I was modelled in my own life, but sadly, for my generation living under the patriarchy, the odds are stacked against women when it comes to us trying to find an emotionally available male partner who has done the work and is at a stage where these relational skills are being implemented in their own lives and relationships. Sadly, a lot of the time men aren’t even emotionally available to themselves, so how could they possibly offer that to a partner? This is harmful to everyone involved. It reinforces women's roles as nurturers and communicators, while men are socialised to be less emotionally expressive and rely on women to interpret and manage their emotions through hermeneutic labour. Ultimately, it also just means men are missing out on having a rich emotional world, something that is really beautiful to have and experience.

It’s not surprising to know that heterosexual men report higher levels of happiness when they are in relationships, whereas the opposite is true for women. I think this is why an increasing number of women these days are opting to be “self-partnered.” Women are exhausted and emotionally burnt out from having to perform the Sisyphean act of offering all this juicy free labour in their intimate relationships. There is so much work that women do behind the scenes to manage relationships and keep things together, and hermeneutic labour is just one piece of the intricate puzzle.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Learn your emotions, you cowards!

FURTHER READING:

• Trying to decipher a man’s mind? Now there’s a name for that.

• Overthink Podcast with Ellie Anderson and David Peña-Guzmán, Episode 71: Emotional Labor.

• What’s Behind the Rise of Single Lonely Men.

• Why So Many Single Women Without Children Are Happy.